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Car Chasers Anonymous
Because Dog liked to chase cars,
his wife worried herself sick when
he came home late every evening
saying things like, "Whew! I had a
close one today," or "I think I lost
a little hair on a bumper, Hon."
Finally she talked him into joining
Car Chasers Anonymous. "My name
is Dog and I chase cars," he said to
the others in the circle at his first
meeting. "My name is Mr. Fricky and
I chase ambulances," said the lawyer
to his right. "My name is Bug
and I hurl myself at windshields,"
said a little lump to his left.
After they had gone around the circle,
the group leader asked each member
for a type of displacement behavior
as a positive self-actualization to
substitute for car chasing. All the
males liked Dog's suggestion best,
except for Bug and Mr. Fricky who weren't
limber enough to lick their testicles.
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Destiny's Gum Wrapper
Coyote climbed into the time machine,
pulled a lever, then twisted a knob.
Soon he was bobbing along on the Pinta,
the swiftest of Christopher Colombus's
small fleet. "Tierra!" screamed a voice
from the rigging above. Since Coyote
couldn't understand Spanish, and,
in fact, thought the sound above him
was a sea gull, he ignored it, took out
a stick of gum, popped it in his mouth,
and threw the wrapper in the water.
In a few hours, Coyote got bored with
bobbing along, so he pulled the lever,
twirled the dial to the Twentieth Century
and found himself in a tranquil American
wilderness. After hiking for a while,
he came upon a group of natives
sweating in a lodge. On a small
stone altar in their midst was a lump
of amber with a frayed gum wrapper
imbedded in it. "Where is everybody?"
asked Coyote. "We're all right here,"
said one of the natives.
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Happy-Face Photo
Op
"Say Cheese," said Coyote
as he framed Maggot, Pig
and Penguin in his viewfinder.
"Why is it always cheese?"
said Maggot. "He's right,"
said Penguin. "Why not
feces." "Well, excuse me,"
said Pig, "but I happen
to prefer cheese." "No, no,"
said Maggot, "we're not
talking about food. We're
talking about words you
can say to make your mouth
look like you're smiling,
though both cheese and feces
sound pretty tasty to me."
Next Page
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Rainbow's End
A bright rainbow arched
before a mountain range
and into the deep green
valley below. Coyote had
been trudging for several
miles hoping to find the
jackpot at the end, but
the darned thing just
seemed to keep receding
in front of him. He was
about to give up when
he saw a little man in a green
hat sneaking away from him.
"I'll be damned if it isn't
a leprechaun," said Coyote.
"Where's that gold anyway?"
"No no, you've got me all wrong,"
said the little man. "I'm Noah."
"Yeh sure," said Coyote, "and
Santa Claus is gonna come out
from behind that mountain
riding a hippopotamus."
"Not only are you materialistic,"
said Noah, removing his green hat
and fumbling with it, "you're
sacrilegious. This rainbow doesn't
bring us gold. It brings us God's
promise that the world will never
be flooded again." At that moment
lightning flashed, rain poured down,
and God came thundering around
the mountain wearing a Santa suit
and riding a hippopotamus. "Don't
let the old fart fool you," said God.
"The gold's in his hat." |