Cheap Coyote Tricks      by Greg Keeler         Page 35               

 
Nine hundred Ninety-Nine Points of Light

Coyote wept before his
television set when
he saw some starving
children and a sobbing
woman with blond 
curly hair begging
for money to feed them.
Unfortunately, he had
just sent all the cash
he could spare to an
800 number after
seeing an ad for a
device which would
peel, cut and cook a
potato then emblazon
his initial on each
individual French fry.

  
Beaver Dentata

Bunny and Beaver were tired
of having their names used
to symbolize female docility
and sexual passivity, so Beaver
got on Bunny's shoulders, they
draped a bear suit over themselves,
and they went roaring into a bar
where Fox and Coyote were
drinking beer. Unfortunately,
the bear suit got caught in the
door leaving them stripped of
their disguise. "Hey," said Coyote,
"would you look at the beaver on
that bunny." After that remark,
Bunny and Beaver discovered you
don't need a bear suit when you can
snap bones with your front teeth. 

 
Mixed Reviews

Because he was sick of
being perceived as a loud,
insensitive lout, Crow wrote
a nature book called 
Where Cheeps the Chickadee,
There Cheep I. Of course, the
reviews were a bit mixed.
A critic for the L.A. Times
praised him for "striking out
in a bold new direction,"
whereas a New York Times
critic wrote "Crow's affinity
for nature writing rather
resembles a sodomist's 
affinity for the priesthood."

 

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None But the Pure

During the course of his quest
for the Holy Grail, Coyote had
to pass through The Land of the
Evil Ducks. He was prepared,
however, because he had brought
a duck suit and a bunch of helium
balloons to breath from so he
could look and talk like a duck.
Soon he had fooled many a duck,
but just had one balloon left
when he was accosted by a 
particularly evil duck at the 
exit gate. "Gimme that balloon
or I'll crap on your foot," said
the duck. Knowing that he had
to stay clean and pure to find
the Holy Grail, Coyote gave the
balloon to the evil duck. Just
then, Percival came slogging by,
his feet caked with duck crap
and a happy-face mug clutched
to his bosom. "Sometimes we
have to settle," quacked Percival.