Cheap Coyote Tricks      by Greg Keeler         Page 39               

 
Full-Blown Family Values

Badger was upset because
his friends all settled down
and had families, but he didn't
have the patience to get married
and raise kids. So out of 
envy and desperation, he 
sent off to a catalog for an 
Inflate-a-Family. For a while, 
things worked out pretty well.
At meals, he would blow up
his family and seat them around 
the table, then dash back and forth
behind various family members
and, using different voices, have
them carry on conversations.
At night, he would blow up
the kids and tuck them in
then blow up his wife and
make love to her. On Sundays
he would blow them all up, put them
in his car, and take them to church.
At first he was worried about being
ridiculed for worshipping with his
blow-up family, but then, when he
saw the pastor dashing back and forth
between the pulpit and the pews
during the responsive reading,
he realized that he was in an
inflatable congregation.

  
The Tragedy of the Frozen Yak Butter

Crow attended the Dalai Lama's
Enlightenment Awards ceremony
high in the mountains of India.
He had been nominated for his
enthusiasm and diligence in 
performing his 100,000 yearly
prostrations. At last the moment
arrived, the envelope was opened
and a grim-faced monk made the
announcement: "And this year's
award for Dharma Suck-Up goes to--
Crow!" With tears in his eyes,
Crow rushed up to accept his award.
Unfortunately he took so long in
thanking all the folks who got him
there that his award (a Buddha
hewn from frozen yak butter)
melted all over him and he smelled 
like bad cheese for months.

 
The Wrath of Mama Ram Bunny

Fox and Crow joined a cult
of followers who sanctified
those glass spheres of water
that you shake to make it
snow on a little scene inside.
Every Sunday morning they
would gather, Her Holiness
Mama Ram Bunny would shake
one of the spheres to make
it snow inside, and they would
all slump to their knees in awe
of the miracle before them.
Sometimes in the winter, 
they would walk out of their
little temple and it would be
snowing, just like in the glass
ball, except without any water.
After a while, Fox and Crow 
became bitter skeptics and one
night, they crept into the temple
and drank the water from all
of the sacred balls, snow and all.
Because much of the water was
contaminated by the sewers of
Taiwan where the balls were made,
Fox and Crow developed a
morbid assortment of intestinal
parasites which they attributed to
the wrath of Her Holiness Mama Ram
Bunny; thus, they became devout 
followers for the rest of their lives.
Sometimes Seat Belts Don't Work

As his car tumbled end
over end into the steep
canyon, Fox stayed in
place because he was
wearing his seat belt.
Something funny was
happening inside of his
brain. He saw everything
around him in slow motion:
a rhinoceros pedaling a
unicycle through a cemetery,
Adam and Eve having a pie fight,
John Wayne playing Bach on
a calliope. When, at last, a huge
boulder stopped the car,
John Wayne got up from his
calliope, walked over to
Fox's window in slow motion 
and said, "Howdy pilgrim,
welcome to hell."

 

 

 


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