Bad Science Fiction
© Greg Keeler 1987

Sermon

Jehova said to Moses,
"You've got a hot-line straight to me,
So head for the heights with the Isrealites,
Right after I've parted this sea."
But when Moses thought he had it made
To the promised land for free,
God said, "Only a prick hits a rock with a stick.
You're an a-s-s-h-o-l-e.
A-s-s-h-o-l, a-s-s-h-o-l, a-s-s-h-o-l-e,
Yes, only a prick hits a rock with a stick.
You're an a-s-s-h-o-l-e."

When Abraham took a lamb and his son up
On the mountain an angel appeared
And kept him from stabbing his son just by grabbing
His hand and by pulling his beard.
Then they turned on the lamb, but the lamb said to them,
"I'm innocent. Why look at me?"
They said, "We needed a goat, and who asked for your vote?
You're an a-s-s-h-o-l-e.
A-s-s-h-o-l, a-s-s-h-o-l, a-s-s-h-o-l-e,
We needed a goat, and who asked for your vote.
You're an a-s-s-h-o-l-e."

Job that poor sucker, through fate or bad luck or
Some reckless night when he was young,
Was commanded by God and his staff and his rod
To sit on a pile of dung.
Then he cursed him with sores so he bled through his pores
And screamed, "Why hast thou done this to me?"
God said, "You've done nothing wrong. I'm just putting you on.
You're an a-s-s-h-o-l-e.
A-s-s-h-o-l-, a-s-s-h-o-l, a-s-s-h-o-l-e.
You've done nothing wrong. I'm just putting you on.
You're an a-s-s-h-o-l-e."

I hope you liked my sermon.
I checked it with several friends,
Like Falwell, Oral Roberts, Jim Baker, Pat Robertson:
Guys you can trust to the end.
So just send them all your money
When you see thm on TV.
They'll say, "Thanks for the bucks, you gullible schmuck,
You a-s-s-h-o-l-e.
A-s-s-h-o-l, a-s-s-h-o-l, a-s-s-h-o-l-e,
Thanks for the bucks you gullible schmuck,
You a-s-s-h-o-l-e.