ENQUIRING MINDS
© Greg Keeler 1990

Waddell's Grant Song

I submitted a sculpture for a government grant.
It was risky and ultra-noveau.
A Maplethorp shock-value visual rant,
It was fit for the best east-coast show.
But it lost to a carving of a woman feedin' duckies
Near a doggie with big, floppy ears.
In the letter they sent me, they said I was lucky
To be among that sculptor's peers.
And Lord, don't you know I'm a genius,
And my art always has a new slant.
Hell, but I'll even chisel the penis
Off this sculpture if you'll give me a grant.

Well I gave up on sculpture and painting and prints,
And I opted for a daring new start.k
I knew for sure this time that I could convince
That committee with performance art.
But I came in third to a guy who threw baseballs
At his kids while they tried to eat lunch,
And a gal who made deck chairs by using a chain saw
While whistling The Brady Bunch.
And Lord, don't you know I'm too modest to brag,
But my art always has a new slant.
I swear I won't film my dog goin' to the bathroom on the flag
If you'll just give me a grant.

I've read all your guidelines and your standards I've of course heard,
But please give me just one more chance.
I swear I'll even build a hundred foot pyramid of horse turds
in my yard if you'll give me a grant.