Bad Science Fiction
© Greg Keeler 1987

Nuclear Dioxin Queen

I stopped into a small-town bar today
With nothing special on my mind
When a fellow in a long trench coat came up
And sat down by my side.
He ordered us a couple of Olys s
So I might listen to his tale.
His hands looked old, and he was shakin',
And his face looked drawn and pale.
Said, "Let me tell you 'bout this woman,
The prettiest I ever seen.
I thought she was my bread and butter, but
She was the Nuclear Dioxin Queen,
Yes, she was the Nuclear Dioxin Queen.

Her daddy was a bio-chemist.
He worked on fertilizers, sprays and crops
And preservatives and nuclear weapons
Till one day somebody called the cops,
When he improvised a strain of lab rats,
Two foot four by four foot three
That lived on a diet of styrofoam,
Chicken nuggets and DDT.
After several years of thinkin' up revenge,
He got out of jail and turned real mean.
Yes he dreamed up my bread and butter, but
She was the Nuclear Dioxin Queen,
Yes she was the Nuclear Dioxin Queen.

She never had a human mother.
She was nurtured in a big bell jar.
Instead of blood her veins were full of PCBs.
She breathed monoxide from a beat up car.
He made her skin to look like satin.
An angel modeled for her face.
Yes, she was built like a brick shit house,
But he fed her on atomic waste.
I should have known it from the first time I kissed her
And my finger nails turned green,
But I couldn't leave my bread and butter, though
She was the Nuclear Dioxin Queen.
Yes, she was the Nuclear Dioxin Queen.

Though she became a Miss America candidate,
Her daddy made her so to just survive,
She needed technological catastrophes
Every now and then to stay alive.
She fed on oil sicks at Santa Barbara.
She hyperventilated at Bo Pall,
And little did the innocent public know
That her daddy was beyond it all.
So when I met her at Three Mile Island,
Of course, her daddy was on the scene
To make sure I met my bread and butter, though
She was the Nuclear Dioxin Queen.
Yes, she was the Nuclear Dioxin Queen.

We got married a couple of years ago,
And right away we had a couple of kids.
The first one looked and acted like Al Capone.
The second one resembled a squid.
But all this time she was the perfect mother.
She held on tight and helped me bear the load,
And I thought she was the perfect lover,
'Cause when I made love to her at night she glowed.
But now, lookin' back across the years,
It all seems like a really bad dream,
'Cause I thought she was my bread and butter, but
She was the Nuclear Dioxin Queen,
Yes, she was the Nuclear Dioxin Queen.

He pulled his trench coat up around him,
And he stood up half way stoned.
And I'd swear that when he tightened up his belt,
There was nothin' under there but bone.
He said he had to meet her down at Cape Canaveral,
That he'd follow her no matter how far.
He mumbled somethin' 'bout a place called Chernobyl,
Then kept on mumblin' as he left the bar.
What amazed me was the way he accepted things.
For him apocolypse was just routine,
'Cause he couldn't leave his bread and butter, though
She was the Nuclear Dioxin Queen.
Yes, she was the Nuclear Dioxin Queen.